Rules of Professional Misconduct

A parody on the
Rules of Professional Conduct

Self-Regulation doesn't Work!

People before Lawyers As a litigant who has represented himself pro se in several cases, I have become quite familiar with the Rules of Professional Conduct. These rules vary slightly from state to state but are basically very similar. Some states call them the Rules of Professional Responsibility. Anyone who is involved in the law should read them because it will amaze and shock you. According to these rules, lawyers and judges have to maintain the highest of ethical standards. In reality we know that the United States Judiciary has the lowest of ethical standards. And after over 10 lawsuits resulting from my divorce, I have a good idea why this is. The reason the judiciary is so corrupt is because of self regulation.

Self-regulation means that the judicial system polices itself. The theory being that if the courts police themselves, the judiciary maintains "independence" and can therefore made just decisions without being subject to outside political pressures. After all, we don't want judges fired because they don't agree with Ronald Reagan's standards of morality. In an ideal society judges must be free to rule on law and not on politics. However, the notion that this can only be accomplished by Self-regulation is bull. There are ways that the courts can be externally regulated. And we as a free society, if we are to preserve our freedoms need to figure out how to best accomplish this.

I have come to the conclusion that there are enough rules to keep lawyers and judges honest. If the legal system were to follow it's own rules it would instantly eliminate almost all corruption and restore integrity to the courts. The same think could be said for crime as well, but the difference is that laws are enforced against citizens which gives the rule of law meaning. If you kill or steal you will be punished. However, judges and lawyers break the laws with impunity and they get away with it. Although there are agencies that are supposed to enforce the rules, they don't. The Missouri Office of the Chief Disciplinary Counsel continues to ignore my Bar Complaint by passing the buck to the judges. The judges pass the complaint back to the bar.

Our judicial system is based on the old English system that was in place when we broke away from the British Empire. Under that system the judges were subordinate to the King. Since the United States doesn't have a king, we rely on the Constitution as the rule of law. However, without a king there is no checks on the judiciary. Judges have granted themselves absolute immunity and are above that law. They have usurped the power of the king are more and more are moving to undermine our rights as citizens. Our freedoms are threatened by the very institution which is there to enforce justice.

The Real Rules

In an attempt to expose judicial corruption to the public, I now will give you the real rules. These are the rules that the courts actually operate by. This is the first time in history where the real rules have been published. These rules have been handed down from lawyer to lawyer and judge to judge in much the same way the Bible was passed on until it was eventually written down. But the public has a right to know what the rules are so I'm going to tell it to you like it is, rather than the way it's supposed to be.

I want to say for the record that there are a lot of honest judges and lawyers out there. In fact most judges and lawyers are honest hard working people. However, these honest people are not the dominant factors in how things actually work. Thus, honest judges and lawyers are as much a victim of the system as the public. So this isn't about hating lawyers and judges or blowing up courthouses. These methods have no effect on real change. But it is about demanding change from a system that does not want to change. These people have the power of kings and they don't want to give it up.

Justice however belongs to the people. This is our country and they work for us. Never let a judge forget that they are paid to serve and not to rule. And it is the patriotic duty of every citizen to make sure they never forget it. America is said to be the most advanced society on this planet. At least that's what we Americans would like to believe. But the measure of society is in it's justice system. And if God were to come down here and judge us as a nation, he would do so by measuring our courts. And we're just fooling ourselves if we think we would measure up.

The following rules are a parody. It is intended as political humor. However, like any parody it's based on truth. I invite the reader to debate it's accuracy.


Code of Judicial Misconduct

Canon 1 - Judges and Society

Since the legal system is founded on the old English system, judges are loyal to the King. Since America has no king, judges will fill the role of king. This requires that judges shall be immune from suit and be above the law. There must be no practical process to enforce and rule or law against a judge or any outside review process to determine if our decisions and conduct conform with existing law or our own rules. If society can control us, we can not rule.

We therefore shall always be loyal to the theory of the Independence of the Judiciary as our primary excuse as to why it is necessary to treat judges as kings. No one shall ever question self regulation or suggest that the courts need any form of independent review.

Lawyers are noblemen and are just below us. Lawyers in turn are given a hire status than citizens and shall use the title "esquire". Since all judges come from lawyers, the superior rights of lawyers should be protected. Thus, above all, even when there is legal malpractice, the lawyers fee should always take priority over any other debt.

Lawyers shall look down their noses at ordinary citizens and take the attitude that the poor little people just don't understand.

Judges shall deliberately make unjust rulings so as to instill fear in the minds of the public and make sure they know that there is no justice in the justice system. Judges shall jail anyone who claims they can't afford an attorney.

Canon 2 - Should, not Shall

All Canons of Judicial Conduct should use the word "should" instead of "shall" whenever possible. The word "should" gives judges the option to not do what they should do and eliminates the perception of an obligation to do or not do a specific act. This separates ourselves from lawyers who are subordinate to us. Only in situations where there is no other choice shall the word "shall" be used.

For all practicle purposes, the would "should" really means, "should not".

Canon 3 - A Judge Should Avoid the Appearance of Impropriety

  1. Since the Constitution doesn't support a monarchy, judges should maintain the appearance of a just and fair judiciary before the public. A judge should appear to be honesty and sincere, once you learn how to fake that, you have it made. A judge should make every effort to appear to be fair and to do a good job of coming up with a plausible excuse for a bullshit decision.

  2. If a judge gets caught doing something improper he should cover it up as best possible. Other judges should assist in the cover up as long as they can avoid the appearance of inpropriety. Failure to be discrete can result in becoming a token sacrifice to maintain the appearance of judicial integrity.

  3. A judge should not report what the judge clearly believes to be professional misconduct of a judge or lawyer to the appropriate disciplinary agency. You have to go along to get along.

  4. A judge should dispose promptly the business of the court unless a litigant is pro se or a lawyer wishes to accumulate more billable hours.

  5. The Rules of Professional Conduct should be written in a manner to create the illusion of justice and due process. The public should feel like the system is based on honesty and integrity.

Canon 4 - Pro Se Litigants Shall Always Lose

The legal system is a closed system. Although the Constitution gives people the right to represent themselves, this practice should be discouraged. If pro se litigants succeed it will only encourage more of them to try. If however we punish the pro se litigant his suffering will be discourage others from not hiring a lawyer.

  1. Pro se litigants are to be held to a higher standard than lawyers.

  2. If a pro se litigant makes any mistakes at all, dismiss the case. If the pro se litigant make no mistakes, dismiss it anyway.

  3. Always be hostile towards pro se litigants. Keep reminding them they need a lawyer.

  4. If there's any way to twist the law to rule against a pro se litigant the judge should endeavor to do so. If there isn't a way to twist the law, twist it anyhow. Most pro se litigants are easily scared. Those who don't scare can deal with the next court up the chain. If there isn't any way to twist the law, rule against him anyhow. Who's going to stop you?

  5. Even if a pro se litigant is right and has argued a perfect case, rule against him anyhow. Then make him pay attorney's fees.

  6. Legal libraries that are open to lawyers and judges must be kept off limits to pro se litigants even though they are paid for with taxpayer money. The public shall not have access to the legal resources of lawyers.


Rules of Professional Misconduct

Lawyer's Fees

  1. A lawyers fee is sacred. Lawyers are paid before anyone else.

  2. A lawyer shall not criticize another lawyers fees.

  3. A lawyer shall not get caught kicking back any fees to other lawyers or sharing fees with a judge.

  4. If a litigant can't afford a lawyer then the opposing party will pay the fees. If the opposing party can't pay then the taxpayers will pay the fees. If you can't get the fee, throw them to the dogs!

  5. If a lawyer goes to the courthouse to do something for more than one client, the lawyers shall bill all clients for the entire trip to the courthouse.

Reporting Professional Misconduct

  1. A lawyer having knowledge that another lawyer has committed a violation of the rules of professional misconduct that raises a substantial question as to that lawyer's honesty, trustworthiness, or fitness as a lawyer in other respects, shall NOT inform the appropriate professional authority.

  2. It is professional misconduct for one lawyer to squeal on another lawyer. If lawyers don't let other lawyers get away with breaking the rules then other lawyers won't let you break the rules.

  3. The public will never understand that lawyers must lie and cheat because that's what the public really wants. But lawyers have to pose as if lawyers are fair and honest. All lawyers do it.


  1. A lawyer will procrastinate as long as possible and delay matters in order to allow both attorneys to get a lot of billable hours. The attorney shall then drop the client and keep the retainer.

  2. A lawyer shall not proceed too quickly because it makes other lawyers look bad.

  3. Never settle a case until the litigants have spent every dime they have or can borrow on attorney's fees.

Fraudulent and Illegal Activity

  1. When a lawyer advises a client to do something illegal, the lawyer shall always state, "Now I didn't tell you to do this, but ... "

  2. A prosecutor shall not prosecute a lawyer for breaking the law. The prosecutor shall always state that the judge is responsible for lawyer discipline. The judge shall pass the buck to someone else.

  3. Everybody does it. Always remember that.

  4. A lawyer shall maintain the illusion of honesty and trustworthiness.

  5. Lawyers shall "stick together". A lawyer shall not squeal on another lawyer.


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