How am I doing ...
A lot of people are asking me this question lately. And I really
appreciate everyone's concern. It's interesting to notice how many
people, upon hearing my story, ask me if I'm considering suicide or
homicide. The answer is no. Have I thought about it? Of course, who
wouldn't. Maybe it hasn't quite hit me how bad off I am, being that I
haven't as of now lost my house or my business, yet. But it concerns me
that my life is such that when I describe my situation, people expect me
to consider killing myself.
I've been making some progress over the last year. People aren't asking
me if I'm going to kill myself anymore. Now people are asking me if I
think that the judges are going to have me rubbed out. The fact that
they are asking me this shows that I have made real progress. I'm proud
people are asking me this question.
I wouldn't put it past them, but I'm not going to worry about it. Fear is a luxury that I can't afford to feel. If I start worrying about who might do what to me I might as well run away and hide. The way I look at it is that it would be an honorable way to go.
I have been investigated by the FBI. Apparently this web site attracted their attention. They were concerned that I might be another Tim McVeigh. I understand that they determined I was harmless, which is the correct conclusion in respect to building bombs.
I'm doing OK for the moment. By OK I mean that I feel reasonably well.
Under the circumstances this is actually very good. I'm a pretty tough
guy and I've been through a lot. Nothing quite like this though. It's
definitely new territory for me. But this is definitely not easy. I don't
sleep well at night. In fact, I don't even remember anymore what
sleeping well feels like. I'm tired a lot. I can't concentrate enough to
program anymore. I can barely get it together enough to fix bugs. Some
days I can barely do tech support.
I'd like it to go away and be over with. I'd like to get on with my life, but I can't. She keeps coming after me wanting more money, more money, more money. Lawyers are everywhere and they all want money.
By taking this stand against the judicial establishment I fear that they
will make sure they get even with me. I feel that it is likely that I
will end up in jail. I don't think I'm just being paranoid about this,
but I hope I am. Based on this judgement it's clear they're out to get
me.
How do I feel. I feel like a bird that's been trapped by a snake. I can't get away, but the snake hasn't started to eat me yet. That's how I feel. I feel like I'll put up the best fight of any bird that the snake has ever eaten, but still lose in the end. However, sometime the bird eats the snake and I have a few mouthfuls of snake in my belly.
Yes, I need Help!
I don't know what any of you out there can do for me but I'm having a
tough time of it right now and I do need help. I could use some extra
legal advice. If anyone has any pull with the Missouri Court System and
can stop them from screwing me, that would be nice. If I end up in jail
or homeless I'll need more help. I could use some advice about what
other countries are good places to live.
I'm not usually the kind of guy who asks for help. I'm the guy who everyone comes to for help. This is very new to me to be on this side of the help issue.
Divorce Status
Well, the good news is that I am divorced. I have filed an appeal so the
case is still open. What does this mean? I have no idea. Since this
divorce started the judges have blatantly ignored the law and did
whatever the hell they want to. I suppose the appeal process will be the
same. But, while they are coming after me, I'll be going after them. The
time has come for
serious judicial reform!
I believe I will end up in jail because of these web pages. My ex-wife has seen them and she's not happy and I'm sure she will do whatever it takes to get even with me. But I have a need to speak out. If I'm going down I want to let people who know me understand why.
My ex-lawyer strongly urged me to shut down this site. I'm not going to.
The way I see it the damage is already done. Based on my experience
with 3 lawyers and 4 judges I'm sure that there's no way in hell I'll
get a fair hearing now. I'm already going to lose everything I own. I'm
a marked man and it's just a matter of time before they get me.
I've created a separate web page for the Case Status.
How I feel about the Judicial System
In a word, it's Fucked! The court system is my enemy. They are a pack of
thieves who are hunting me down a stealing everything I own. I've dealt
with 4 incompetent judges so far and it doesn't look like things are
going to get any better. It just sucks.
Q) You know what they call a lawyer who's too stupid to make a living practicing law?
A) Your Honor.
Many of you would say to me, God Damn Marc, aren't you afraid they'll come after you for saying something like that? Quite frankly yes. But the mother fuckers have already issued judgements against me for more than everything I own. They already have gone out of their way to deliberately bankrupt me, so what the fuck do I care what they think of me. I'm a crude low life motherfucker. That's who I am and that's all I ever intend to be, so get used to it.
How I feel about myself
For what it's worth, I have a clear conscience about what's happened. My
karma is clean. This is something that's important to me. I haven't had
to compromise my ethics in anything I've done. I've never felt as pushed
around by the system as I have lately. I'm usually the one doing the
pushing.
I'm usually the hero type. The kind of guy who's helping other people. The strong guy people come to when they are in trouble. When someone's in a tough spot and need a miracle or something close to it, they look me up. I'm the one who can solve problems with no solutions. I look at doing the impossible as a challenge. I still am that kind of person, even now. That is my nature. But I've never been on the other side. And now I'm getting to know what that feels like.
I'm in a position where I clearly need help but don't know what to ask for or who to ask. I have a lot of friends with a lot of resources. I have helped a lot of people over the years and have a good karmic bank account. The universe owes me some favors. But I don't know if the universe is going to come through for me. I have always done my best and will continue to do my best, but I have to face the possibility that my best may not be good enough and that it may be my fate to not make it.
No matter how this comes out I don't see the possibility of another normal relationship again. I suppose you get one innocent relationship and I had mine. Now I'm too tainted. However, after having tried the family thing and being monogamous, I've decided that I really like being single better. I have many female friends and a variety of relationships and, if I can ever get Vicki's hand out of my pocket, I have my freedom. And I hope to enjoy it some day.
I'm under a lot of stress and I'm concerned about how that's going to affect my health. It's bad enough to not be able to sleep, but I don't want to be sick too. I may be paranoid, but I think they'd like to put me in jail if they can find a way. I keep having dreams about that. It could be the lack of sleep, or it could be real. I just don't know.
I don't like it that I've come to hate my ex-wife so much. I don't like being the kind of person who hates people. I believe hate is something to be ashamed of and like to think of myself as the kind of person who doesn't hate people. The last thing I wanted was for things to turn out this way. I normally don't do things that I'm ashamed of so this is a new experience for me. But what I really ashamed over is that I live in a country that pays lawyers a bounty to break up families. That's what's really shameful!
I've been a good person all my life. I'm a contributing member to
society. I have contributed more to society than the average person
earns in over 100 lifetimes. I still have more to contribute. I am a
force for positive change and I'm worth saving. And I need help.
Single Life ain't so Bad ...
I'm 42 years old and during the time I was married I was totally
monogamous. Never cheated once, not even close. Not that I didn't want
to but I had given my word and it was a matter of trust. However, guys
my age experience what's referred to as "midlife crisis" which is really
only a crisis if you're still married. If you're not married it's
midlife opportunity!
I'm been single and I've been married and now I'm single again and I like being single better. If you're married and reading this you might want to go to another web page. But not that I'm single I get to have fun with pretty young women. I'm male and I'm only good for one thing. I've got several girlfriends who all serve different purposes. Instead of trying to find "the right one" I'm now finding "the right ones", different women for different functions, all working as a team to keep me happy.
I've always had a hard time trying to stay miserable. Some people can do it, some can't. I suppose Vicki you're better at it than I am.
I've always been a very resourceful person and believe you do the best with what you have. I'm somewhat of a mutant and I don't really think I'm quite the same species as normal humans so monogamy just isn't for me. Different women have different qualities and sometimes I'm in different moods for different kinds of love. Now I'm not stuck with just one lover who expects me to be their life. I can be with women who have a life and just want someone to have sex or a good conversation with. Someone who is interested in sharing an experience rather than just what they can get. I like being with women you have a life of their own and aren't dependent on me to create a self identity for them.
It's good to not be married to a stupid woman anymore and I'm looking forward to the day when she's completely out of my life and I no longer have to pay for her mistakes. Some day if she gets suckered by a new age lawyer who pretends to be her friend it will be her problem, not mine. Live is just too short to have to put up the Bullshit of being married. She used to say we were co dependant. There was nothing co about that. She just doesn't have her shit together to take care of herself.
And I hope my X is reading this because she's been a greedy bitch and I know this hurts her and by god she deserves it. This is what happens when you dump a good husband. I gave her daughter a computer for her high school graduation present that was Internet ready and she used that computer to download my web pages and use them against me in court. She has the advantage in that she quicker than I am to get dirty. Being the good guy works against you in court.
Last time I was in court with her I noticed she had printed out all my web pages and they were in her lawyers folder. They were looking for a chance to show them to the judge and I'm sure they found a way, but not that day in court. She did the same thing at the divorce trial. She monitors this web site looking for things she can use against me in order to get more money out of me. Since she's too lazy to work and can't seem to take care of herself she spends her miserable existence trying to leach off of me. Enjoy the pictures Vicki! Show them to the judge.
How I feel about my X wife
I wish she would just go away. She wanted a divorce and she has one. She
wanted to find someone else that was "more enlightened" than I am, so
why doesn't she just get out of my life and do that? I don't know if
Vicki is browsing the web and reading this. But if she is I have
something to say.
OK, you won. I am not capable of being a vindictive as you are. You have
your pride and I hope you're happy about it. Now, go away. Get out of my
life. Leave me alone. Don't call me, don't even think about me. Go live
your life and let me live mine. Forget that it ever happened. Forget that
we ever knew each other. I don't love you, I don't hate you, all I want
is for you to just go away, go away, go away, go away, go away, go away!
There are things people do to each other that are beyond comprehension. I just can't understand how someone can be a total leach and ruin someone's life without any regard whatsoever for their well being. I couldn't do that. I don't even like talking about it, but it seems I have to now. I'm not going to quietly go through bankruptcy and lose everything and sit here and smile about it.
Getting divorced is like pulling a tick out that's dug in real good, knowing that the head is going to break off and keep sucking for a long time to come. That's the way I look back at being married. Being married to Vicki is like stepping in dog shit and not realizing it till you tracked it all over the house and have to clean it all up.
For the last 3 years I've been waiting for it to be over and then maybe I'd start to grieve the loss of my family life. But I'm the type of guy who uses all of my brain and it's full. To learn something new I have to forget something to make room for it. I have actually developed the ability to decide what files in my brain to overwrite. And I've chosen to forget this relationship. It was a mistake. It's memory brings me pain.
Vicki, do you think she's laughing at you?
Unlike popular psychological bullshit, which is very wrong on this point, I do not dwell on the past and bad experiences. I accept the fact that I was dumb, that I got screwed, and now I'm ready to move on and enjoy life. Time is short and we are here in this universe for but an instant and then we are gone and forgotten. I want to make the most of my instant and I'm not going to do that by dwelling on things I can not change. Some of these 12 step new age arrogant ass holes would look down their enlightened noses at me and say I was in denial.
So now the dim memories are gone and the strong memories are dim. I just don't feel anything towards her anymore other than stress. My first thought when I think of her is "Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone?" And that amounts to all that really left. When I go to sleep at night I think about how to get rid of her. When I wake up in the middle of the night it's because I'm dreaming about how to get rid of her, and when I get up in the morning I'm thinking about how to get rid of her. But I can't because the fucking legal system is stealing all my money by allowing her to torment me like this and it seem to me that the only way for me to get away is to get rid of the fucking lawyers and judges who live like vampires off the torment of other people.
I'm sure Vicki thinks of herself as an independent woman. I'm sure she
feels she deserves everything she's getting. I'm sure she feels she
earned it. I'm sure she thinks she's making a living for herself. After
all, I deserve it. I need to be punished because I'm now having sex with
other women and that hurts her feelings and that make it OK to take my
money. She has her new age friends in her support group telling her that
she's just fine that she deserves it all. And she wonders why I have
no respect for her and her beliefs.
Vicki and I have had some conversations about it and in a few moments of honesty she admitted she knew what she was doing was wrong. But she continues to do it anyway and the way I see it, that makes her no more than a common thief, a white collar thief, but still a thief. And just because the system is set up to take advantage of people like me doesn't make it right.
Now I'm tethered to this woman who is totally dependant on me and needs all the money she can get to support her moonie lifestyle and allow her to sit around in her new age recovery groups to try to understand her inner self. And she has become a tool for her greedy lawyers and the judicial system to fuck me over.
Hey, the bitch finally got a job! God Damn!
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