A Journalists Guide to
Writing About the Internet

(Humor) It is well known by we Nerds that many journalists have demonstrated that they don't have the mental bandwidth to write about the web. This is an entertaining guide for reporters who want to write articles about the Internet and web related culture.

Someone emailed me this piece and I, Marc Perkel, liked it, so I converted it to HTLM. The original work was written June 15th 1995 by Peter Gutmann, from an original by Scot Stevenson. I don't know who these people are, but they are somewhere in New Zealand.

THE INTERNET: A short guide for reporters and journalists

Recently there have been a lot of reports about a generally insignificant aspect of the Internet, namely the availability of erotica and other information via computer. The reason for this is quite obvious - this is one of the hottest news topics currently available. People get upset, tempers fray, and Trevor Rogers gets to have his face in the paper again. In short, stories about the evil Internet are "in".

This document is intended as a guide for those who would like to join the ranks of the other reporters and journalists who have been so successful in the past when reporting about the Internet. It is intended to save you the hassle of having to reinvent the wheel when you prepare your report, and to familiarize you with certain conventions which need to be followed when reporting on anything to do with thnet. You'll be amazed at how simple it is.

WHY REPORTING ABOUT THE INTERNET IS USEFUL

The Internet provides fascinating subject material for reporters. There's no need to perform any research, you get to cover a "hot topic", and the message is so simple that even politicians can understand it (or at least know how to make political gain from it).

HOW TO DO A REPORT ON THE NET, ARRANGED BY TARGET AUDIENCE

Journalists are like fishermen, they select the appropriate bait depending on the intended prey. Although the usual collection of porn, pedophiles, and other paraphernalia without which no report on the net can be complete provide a wide foundation for virtually any kind of story you care to dream up, you can give your report that final polish by specifically targeting a particular group. For example:

WARNINGS

As with any story, there are a few traps you have to be careful to avoid.

IRRELEVANT TOPICS

There are certain topics you should never touch on in your reporting. These are:

FOR YOUR SAFETY

As a reporter, you've become accustomed to having your say while everyone else listens. On the Internet, this is very different. When one of your masterpieces of creative reporting is published or broadcast, a potential audience of thirty million people will pick it to pieces. With a single story, you can alienate fifty, a hundred thousand members of your audience in one stroke. Never use the Internet yourself, or publish any form of email address. You're not paid to handle feedback, only to write stories. Heavens, if you listened to people correcting your story, you might actually have to report the truth!

Therefore, write whatever you want, but never give your readers a chance to reply. By the time NZ Post has finally delivered their mail to you, you'll already be halfway through your next report on baby-eating pedophiles on the net, and can safely ignore any feedback from the previous one.

A LAST PLEA TO JOURNALISTS

Horror stories about the Internet have already helped hundreds of your colleagues through dry spells in the flow of news. Make sure you preserve this valuable resource for future generations of journalists. Don't report more than you need to. A short, zero-content missive in which you mention the word "pedophiles" in every second sentence is fine, as has been ably demonstratedy Trevor Rogers. The Internet is a wonderful source of stories for any journalist or reporter who has a deadline in a few hours and nothing else they can report on. You can report virtually anything without needing to do any research or acquire any background information. Therefore the *real* purpose of the Internet can finally be revealed:

The Internet is a piece of high-technology whose single goal is to allow reporters, at the expense of the truth, to grab the headlines for a day or two with an absolutely minimal investment in time and effort.

We hope to have made your job as a reporter easier through this simple guide. Good luck, and remember, as long as you use the magic words "pedophile", "porn", and "protecting the children" as often as possible, you can get away with anything.

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