The Rumors are Not True!
Marc Perkel, a little known political activist and unknown Democratic candidate for Congress in Springfield Missouri continues to deny rumors that Al Gore has offered him the job of Vice President of the United States should Clinton step down. "These rumors are absurd!", states Perkel when asked about leaks from Whitehouse sources. "Why would anyone want me to be Vice President of the United States?"
His denials however just fuel the growing reaction to the new rumor as this scandal continues to unfold about this unknown figure. Who is this man who would be just a heartbeat away from the Presidency? Sources say that Al Gore's strategy is to find someone so repulsuve that the Republicans won't do to him what they did to Clinton.
The rumors have a basis in fact. Perkel is the Supreme Commander of the Nerd Liberation Movement; a cult who believes the world would be better off if smart people were in charge. Republican political operatives were quick to step in pointing out that this "Perkel guy" has no morals whatsoever. The Republican source said, "Perkel appeared on national television in June of 1997 on the Sally Jesse Rapheal show with Xaviera Hollander (The Happy Hooker) advocating the Legalization of Prostitution. He's worse than Clinton."
A backround check shows this rumor to be true. Perkel also advocates the Legalization of Pot and claims that everything he knows about politics came from an LSD trip he took in the early 80s. It has been revealed however that in 1977, around the same time Clinton was involved in the Whitewater land deal with the McDougals, Perkel was living at a commune in Tennesse called "The Farm" which was visited by the Vice President.
Perkel also has ties to President Clinton. Perkel was a close friend in 1976 of a musician who's band, "The Greasy Greens" played at Clinton's first innauguration as Governor of Arkansas. A former Perkel girlfriend went to high school with Clinton in Hot Springs Arkansas and later died under mysterious circumstances. And Perkel's ex-wife was chief administrative assistant to Steve Clark, a Clinton cronie and former Attorney General of Arkansas who was forced to resign after he was caught padding his expense account by $50.
"All these Clinton - Gore related ties can't just be a coincidence.", says a Republican source close to Kenneth Starr. "Our teams are already investigating Perkel. We've been on his web site and he's some sort of legal nut. He's suing the Missouri Supreme Court in the United States Supreme Court and he thinks he's going to End Self Regulation of the Judicial System and thinks that the Moonies control the Washington Times." He's also filed a lawsuit against the United States House of Representatives to get a court order to remove the X-rated material from the Starr report. The FBI investigated Perkel's web site and did a backround check on Perkel. "As far as we can tell, the guy is harmless." said an agent who wished to remain unidentified.
Most obvious of all is Perkel's sudden political career which seems to have come out of nowhere. "A guy doesn't just walk in off the street with a hundred dollar bill in his hand and become the Democratic candidate for the United States House of Representatives. No way! That just doesn't happen!" The fact that the local Democratic party is distancing themselves from Perkel further fuels speculation of an organized coverup. Does Perkel have connections that nobody knows about? "There's no doubt in our minds that Missouri Democratic Chairman Joe Carmichael isn't saying everything he knows about this Perkel character!"
Although Perkel brushes us off as if this is all some rediculous joke, we in the news media take these rumors very seriously. "Where there's smoke, there's fire. If there weren't a basis for all this, why would all the press be following this story?"
"Go ahead and print it. Say whatever you want. I don't care!", Perkel said in a final statement to reporters camped out on his lawn. "No one's going to believe you anyway."